Okay - so great weekend was had by all, except maybe my sister who was a little hormonal as shes pregnant. I don't blame her the amount of hours she seems to be working at 12 weeks pregnant. I didn't want to leave her - wanted to stay and look after my little sister. I didn't want to leave my mums at all and that's not a normal feeling for me. Although recently it seems to be more common. I miss all the family already and its only a few days - if that! I feel very emotional and in extreme agony. I can't shake all this pain that seems to be plaguing me recently! I am awaiting a pain clinic referral but that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon!
I think my relationship is basically over. I don't know if I feel love for my partner anymore. I missed my cats more than her. I have spent the last two nights back on the sofa, and shes back to smoking in the bedroom althou she says its out the window! yeh yeh! ive heard it all before.
Worried bout Pepsi as he seems to be losing weight and althou he has always been slight - he now looks skinnier than usual! Bailey also seemed to be off his food but seems to have settled down now!
I hate my life but finding it so hard to know where to start changing it! I hate the area I live I hate the box I live in and I hate the state of the stuff in the flat! I don't feel like im in love with my partner now but everything inside of me is terrified that I am making similar mistakes over and over and how many times can a person start afresh! I always thought I would be someone, but I am no one and not important - just a selfish childish woman with disturbed thougths and a self centred attitude! All I want to do is feel happy but I cant even do that and its all my own fault!
I wish I could die and never feel or think again!
Ive wasted my life and theres nothing I can seem to do to make it better!
I may as well just give up cos I am an evil stupid waste of space that's never gonna be able to change!
sorry - even this post is turning into a poor me poor me post!
gonna go try hibernating!
lou xxx
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