Okay - so great weekend was had by all, except maybe my sister who was a little hormonal as shes pregnant. I don't blame her the amount of hours she seems to be working at 12 weeks pregnant. I didn't want to leave her - wanted to stay and look after my little sister. I didn't want to leave my mums at all and that's not a normal feeling for me. Although recently it seems to be more common. I miss all the family already and its only a few days - if that! I feel very emotional and in extreme agony. I can't shake all this pain that seems to be plaguing me recently! I am awaiting a pain clinic referral but that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon!
I think my relationship is basically over. I don't know if I feel love for my partner anymore. I missed my cats more than her. I have spent the last two nights back on the sofa, and shes back to smoking in the bedroom althou she says its out the window! yeh yeh! ive heard it all before.
Worried bout Pepsi as he seems to be losing weight and althou he has always been slight - he now looks skinnier than usual! Bailey also seemed to be off his food but seems to have settled down now!
I hate my life but finding it so hard to know where to start changing it! I hate the area I live I hate the box I live in and I hate the state of the stuff in the flat! I don't feel like im in love with my partner now but everything inside of me is terrified that I am making similar mistakes over and over and how many times can a person start afresh! I always thought I would be someone, but I am no one and not important - just a selfish childish woman with disturbed thougths and a self centred attitude! All I want to do is feel happy but I cant even do that and its all my own fault!
I wish I could die and never feel or think again!
Ive wasted my life and theres nothing I can seem to do to make it better!
I may as well just give up cos I am an evil stupid waste of space that's never gonna be able to change!
sorry - even this post is turning into a poor me poor me post!
gonna go try hibernating!
lou xxx
Wednesday 17 April 2013
cake piccies!
fairy cakes made for my brothers girlfriend
more fairy cake pics
my brothers birthday cake
model close up of my brother on his cake
covered in choc - record player cake
cake from above
Friday 12 April 2013
cake!
ok! hello all!
Today I have been cake making! Its my brothers 21st birthday so I have been making his cake and some cupcakes for his girlfriend. I am hoping to make it into a record player as that's wot me and my sisters have bought him for his birthday - its a replica but it works and it has a handle to wind it up! lol will try and post a piccie later!
I will also try and post a piccie of the cakes! I am at freezer stage - done the baking - and crumb coating icing and now waiting 4 it 2 set so I can put the fondant on!
In other news, I am missing my four beautiful cats like mad. Guinness is my noisy mewing black n white monster. he has mental health issues I think!!! he sees things that aren't there, and jumps up the walls! hes a big boy and is brother to Pepsi my sleek black panther - hes tiny thou and doesn't look anything like his brother! he also has pretty green eyes! Kola is the only girl and she is all black - shes fluffier than pepsi, and has yellow owl eyes - shes quiet and looks at the boys with disdain! Bailey is my beautiful black and white rescue! he has no teeth and is 11 yrs old! he was a rescue over a year ago so we took him in Jan 2012 and hes my baby! he very rarely leaves me be! he settles on my boobs at any opportunity!
I miss them sooo much!
Also my sister and brother are off to meet with my dad and his evil wife, at my other sisters work to have dinner and they were trying to pressure me to go with them but I have resisted the urge! thank you very much! do I want to go to dinner with someone who helped wreck my childhood and later on my life!! DRAMA QUEEN - Louisa!!!!! sorry guys!
Anyway I am off 2 play at cake maker!
love to you all
LouLou xxx
Today I have been cake making! Its my brothers 21st birthday so I have been making his cake and some cupcakes for his girlfriend. I am hoping to make it into a record player as that's wot me and my sisters have bought him for his birthday - its a replica but it works and it has a handle to wind it up! lol will try and post a piccie later!
I will also try and post a piccie of the cakes! I am at freezer stage - done the baking - and crumb coating icing and now waiting 4 it 2 set so I can put the fondant on!
In other news, I am missing my four beautiful cats like mad. Guinness is my noisy mewing black n white monster. he has mental health issues I think!!! he sees things that aren't there, and jumps up the walls! hes a big boy and is brother to Pepsi my sleek black panther - hes tiny thou and doesn't look anything like his brother! he also has pretty green eyes! Kola is the only girl and she is all black - shes fluffier than pepsi, and has yellow owl eyes - shes quiet and looks at the boys with disdain! Bailey is my beautiful black and white rescue! he has no teeth and is 11 yrs old! he was a rescue over a year ago so we took him in Jan 2012 and hes my baby! he very rarely leaves me be! he settles on my boobs at any opportunity!
I miss them sooo much!
Also my sister and brother are off to meet with my dad and his evil wife, at my other sisters work to have dinner and they were trying to pressure me to go with them but I have resisted the urge! thank you very much! do I want to go to dinner with someone who helped wreck my childhood and later on my life!! DRAMA QUEEN - Louisa!!!!! sorry guys!
Anyway I am off 2 play at cake maker!
love to you all
LouLou xxx
numb!
feeling worn out and exhausted! but wanted to put some fingers to keys 2nite - I feel horrible still! I feel fractured inside! and more than anything the desire to self harm is there! I just cant whilst here at my mums! the desire for sunday to come so I can go home and selfharm is soooooo strong! althou I still have a birthday cake to make for my brothers 21st!
I cant even put in words how I feel now - so numb is a good word!
g'night world
lou signing out
xxxx
I cant even put in words how I feel now - so numb is a good word!
g'night world
lou signing out
xxxx
Thursday 11 April 2013
The day after the night before!
Wow I feel like I have been hit by a bus! I ache from head to toe! my head feels like its going to explode! The counselling session I had last night hurt me so bad! I wish I felt better but I feel like im going to erupt! and its a scarey feeling! I am proud I managed to talk about the first time bad things happened! but I thought I would feel better! not worse! my heart keeps racing and I want to cry but have no tears!
I feel confusion but I don't know what I am confused about! I don't know how to feel and I don't want to feel anything! I feel sad but I feel like I want to self harm and get the frustration out! however I can't as visiting the family for the weekend!
Trying to keep calm and focused - maybe some time spent on ARTWORK is needed!
love n hugs as always
Lou xxx
I feel confusion but I don't know what I am confused about! I don't know how to feel and I don't want to feel anything! I feel sad but I feel like I want to self harm and get the frustration out! however I can't as visiting the family for the weekend!
Trying to keep calm and focused - maybe some time spent on ARTWORK is needed!
love n hugs as always
Lou xxx
new start including my new craft!
Ok so new start to this blog! I have been neglecting u all recently! I have found a new passion - papercutting! omg! this originally was a craft I wanted to learn as I usually use razor blades in a socially unacceptable way of coping (more on this another time). I wanted a way of turning unhealthy ways of acting into more positive ways of using the same tools! Sooooo I found papercutting! and im hooked! I found a fantastic artist called PAPERPANDA - pls go facebook/twitter/etsy check her! shes awesome! and very very kind! she sells papercutting kits so as to teach people how to papercut! she includes with her kit a private group where others can help you to find resources, set up ur own business and learn how to design etc! HOWEVER!!! theres a spin off group and I have found some awesome friends in this group! I have never really had proper friends and for the first time in my 29years- yes I am still 29, I feel like I CAN trust people and the not all people will hurt you!
Papercutting is using a scalpel or knife to cut patterns in paper. Some clever people use computer programs to draw but I like drawing by hand best! I am going to include some pix of some of my designs- however none of them are backed and some unfinished!
I went along tonight knowing it was going to be a hard session and I finally talked about some of the traumatic events that happened to me from the age of 11 until I was almost 16. It was one of the worst times of my life and built the foundations of how my mental health is now, sadly. I have made a really good friend - Kerri and she has helped me thru some horrible times especially around my counselling! And Kerri if you read this - Thank You! I could thank so many of the panda cubs/pandettes/pandas for their support and love and especially hugs thru bad times! Needless to say I haven't selfharmed now for approximately 2months possibly longer! I still have my 'battle scars' and I am under no illusion that there won't be more to add!
Artwise I have had a large commission piece which im struggling with - bigtime as I have been hitting some low periods recently and also my physical health is really bad at the moment! Ive recently been diagnosed with arthritis in my left knee as well as the right now! I am not sure which is worse but knowing the five surgeries I have had on my right knee and the one surgery on my back I am not keen on the prognosis of the left knee! The orthopaedic surgeon said in his letter that he didn't want to operate to save my knee joint as my previous history suggests its prolonging the enevitable that knee replacement surgery is the only way to go! The gynaecologist is my next port of call due to my endometrosis being back with avengence! I only hope that not too much damage has been done and I am still fertile! I don't know how I would react at being told Im infertile as my only wish in life is to have a child/children!
Anyway its incredibly late and I haven't covered anything I wanted to! but I will - give me time!
Lots of love n pandahugs!
Lou xxx
Papercutting is using a scalpel or knife to cut patterns in paper. Some clever people use computer programs to draw but I like drawing by hand best! I am going to include some pix of some of my designs- however none of them are backed and some unfinished!
heart of flowers
hidden skull
heart of hearts
my unfinished house! this needs work
Anyway, I have also made some big changes and steps recently. I have changed counsellors and been with the new ones, hmmm, almost 6months! I see them fortnightly and I see two counsellors at the same time! and its specific counselling! Its at - yes I can finally say it - A Rape Crisis and Sexual Abuse Centre! wow that was hard!
I went along tonight knowing it was going to be a hard session and I finally talked about some of the traumatic events that happened to me from the age of 11 until I was almost 16. It was one of the worst times of my life and built the foundations of how my mental health is now, sadly. I have made a really good friend - Kerri and she has helped me thru some horrible times especially around my counselling! And Kerri if you read this - Thank You! I could thank so many of the panda cubs/pandettes/pandas for their support and love and especially hugs thru bad times! Needless to say I haven't selfharmed now for approximately 2months possibly longer! I still have my 'battle scars' and I am under no illusion that there won't be more to add!
Artwise I have had a large commission piece which im struggling with - bigtime as I have been hitting some low periods recently and also my physical health is really bad at the moment! Ive recently been diagnosed with arthritis in my left knee as well as the right now! I am not sure which is worse but knowing the five surgeries I have had on my right knee and the one surgery on my back I am not keen on the prognosis of the left knee! The orthopaedic surgeon said in his letter that he didn't want to operate to save my knee joint as my previous history suggests its prolonging the enevitable that knee replacement surgery is the only way to go! The gynaecologist is my next port of call due to my endometrosis being back with avengence! I only hope that not too much damage has been done and I am still fertile! I don't know how I would react at being told Im infertile as my only wish in life is to have a child/children!
Anyway its incredibly late and I haven't covered anything I wanted to! but I will - give me time!
Lots of love n pandahugs!
Lou xxx
Thursday 17 January 2013
inspirational
Monday 17 September 2012
long time
ok guys its been a while!
sorry
I have had my operationon my back and whilst its all gone to plan, I have been left feeling very empty and depressed - however I also didnt want any contact with anyone - the only person I could face has been my lovely partner Carol! shes been so supportive and I appreciate her so much!
My creative juices have stpped flowing and I need inspiration guys so pls pls comment and help!
love to you all
xxx
sorry
I have had my operationon my back and whilst its all gone to plan, I have been left feeling very empty and depressed - however I also didnt want any contact with anyone - the only person I could face has been my lovely partner Carol! shes been so supportive and I appreciate her so much!
My creative juices have stpped flowing and I need inspiration guys so pls pls comment and help!
love to you all
xxx
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