Ok - my first ever post on my blog - how strange does this feel? Where do I start? from the beginning? from birth? or from now in this fragile state that I find myself in? I feel by going backwards I will lose the mystery from the future! so I will give you the basics and then start from today!
I was diagnosed last year with Emotionally unstable personality disorder - borderline type! what a horrible label! Those of you that havent heard of it - its a mental health condition where past traumas affect a persons personality and they are stuck emotionally in the past - research if u need further info! I self harm, I have overdosed and I have suffered but I want to find a way of expressing that emotion in different - more safe ways. I want to find a way to live and not just exist. I want to express myself thru' words and my art and hope that other people understand and respond. I want to inspire people who may feel like me and connect with the world around me! I have suffered for year with mental health and its time to find a way thru'. Its time for me to stand up and shout I am worthy!! and I deserve to LIVE!!!
I was diagnosed last year with Emotionally unstable personality disorder - borderline type! what a horrible label! Those of you that havent heard of it - its a mental health condition where past traumas affect a persons personality and they are stuck emotionally in the past - research if u need further info! I self harm, I have overdosed and I have suffered but I want to find a way of expressing that emotion in different - more safe ways. I want to find a way to live and not just exist. I want to express myself thru' words and my art and hope that other people understand and respond. I want to inspire people who may feel like me and connect with the world around me! I have suffered for year with mental health and its time to find a way thru'. Its time for me to stand up and shout I am worthy!! and I deserve to LIVE!!!
Lou, this is the second time I have tried to do this, the first time I hit the wrong fucking button having typed for at least 15 minutes and lost the whole bloody lot!
ReplyDeleteFirstly I do not understand self harm, nor will I ever.
Secondly, I have known you now for many years and have endured much pain through knowing you. Am kinda guessin you have lost friends through the way you used to be!
I have been wakened by you during the night when you were threating to kill yourself, not a good place for me to be and way way way not a good place for you to be but NOT ONCE did I give up on you like others did!
I remember a time when I couldnt reach you, couldnt find you and I phoned every fucking hospital in your area until I tracked you down. My mum was here with me as I phoned and trawled every mental hospital I could find. I did find you but you didnt want me to find you and you didnt like it!
I was not going to give up on you!
I remember you having gender issues,you slept with men and it never worked, it made you feel worse, I remember you sharing all of this with me but you were so low, at your total lowest, you did not want to be here but wait a minute you actually did because those that really really want to kill themselves, just do it!
You never wanted to do that it was always a cry for help that always involved those that were close to you but not in a personal way, it was your cyber friends - we were the ones that were there for you!
Then you met Carol, all of a sudden the Lou that was did not exist anymore, Lou had found her place, she had found her soulmate.
Carol is the best thing that has ever happened to you. But moreso, you have found yourself, there was always a void in your life Lou, I think you were always gay but just could not admit that to yourself, there is nothing wrong with that, all I know is this.......
The only person that is in charge of our destiny is us, nobody other than us! We make things happen, we are in control. People come and go throughout our lives, some people will stay and some people will go, the people that stay are important the people that go are not! You are in a better place from when I first met you, long may you stay there and I hope I have not offended you by being honest. I do not self harm but I do get depressed. I have suffered from depression for many years and it is controlled but I know how it feels to be lonely, put upon, cheated, hated, but I deal with it. I know what it is like to have friends who say they are friends, friends who pick you up then dump you like a hot potato but I learn to live it and deal with it, I dont always like it but I live with it, good friends do not go away, they will always be there for you, remember that and I only wish the best for you Lou x
hey jackie
ReplyDeleteur reply hurts, and also heals. It hurts bcos u know me as u do and the hurt i put u thru. it heals bcos u know me but are still here and willing to b a part of my life. i never slept with a man properly jackie! i always tried to but never went the full waycos i couldnt and that was cos i am and always was a lesbian and i am happy with that now! that issue - its dealt with!
i remember whn u rang round tryin 2 find me - and it wasnt cos i didnt want u 2 know its cos i was on a ventilator for 4 days unconscious and near to death - on that occasion i nearly died. sometimes i overdosed to kill myself - other times i overdosed tryin 2 call out 4 help - 4 someone 2 break the cycle n get me out of the hell i was in!
carol was a breaking moment and she has been one of the best things in my life - but believe it or not things have gone downhill again jackie - and this time its been different - i havent leant on neone - i havent been calling 4 help - i have been cutting and overdosing again - yet noone knows - noone except carol. this leads me to believe that things go deeper than ne of us know. my theray this time is working and im working on things i never knew were issues.
i am sorry 4 all the shit u went thru in those deep dark days! i hurt u and i hurt others and some people cannot 4give me and 4 that i dnt blame them! this illness is souldestroying and i am never gonna be rid of it! its a case of controlling it and learning to live with it!
other people may never 4give me but noone will know the selfhatred i feel how i feel it and will never know how i suffer as a reason 4 this! i have deep dark thoughts of how evil i am and how evil my thinkin n thoughts are - however underneath that is a lost child tryin to make sense of emotions and the world.
the things u personally have done 4 me - i will never 4get! u will always b special to me! u never gave up on me - and i dnt think u ever will! there r people in ur life that will watch over u like angels and keep u safe!
i know ur never gonna understand my selfharm - most people wont! but i dnt understand why people smoke! lol thats life! thank u 4 everything jackie! especially the laughter u bring to my life! xxx
It's so important for us to stand up and insist we do matter in the light of the government's notion that anyone who doesn't have a job is worthless (at best). Grrrrrrr.
ReplyDeletelouisa i read ur writins over several times and they must release u as they released me and im sure others like me who ive meet in councelin. selfharm is a negative copin tool, and its also a punishment, i imagaine uve been punished enuf sumwhere in ur life and u dont need to cary that bad behaviour on against urslf. depression is evil, not u, not ur thoughts. in ur darkest times you are not alone, ur not. ur never alone, others r wiv u, beside u, it makes ppl believe were isolated wen were not. i love ur art work, its incredible and u r talented. ur friends response is powerful and comited, that in itslf is a treasure. u say about the future, dont look too far, that can b dauntin 4 us all, look more imediate, give urslf a brake, u do sound hard on urslf..why shud the beautiful side of life b any difrent 4 u, u deserve no less then any other humanbeing. sent wiv so mch muster and love, bev doranxx
ReplyDeletethank you bev! i think i need to think about this b4 i reply althou we have talked in person. thank you 4 takin the time to reply, im just not in the right headspace to reply atm xxxhugsxxx
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