long time

ok guys its been a while!
sorry

I have had my operationon my back and whilst its all gone to plan, I have been left feeling very empty and depressed - however I also didnt want any contact with anyone - the only person I could face has been my lovely partner Carol! shes been so supportive and I appreciate her so much!

My creative juices have stpped flowing and I need inspiration guys so pls pls comment and help!

love to you all

xxx

op date announced!!

Hey all, yes finally I have an operation date announced for the back surgery I have been waiting for, for soooo long! 7th August - Im terrified althou' pleased that the surgery will happen. The possibilities of what could happen are sooo scarey. However I am trying not to think of that. I have lots on my mind, mainly money worries - but then who doesnt have money problems.

Carol - my wonderful and infurriating (at times-lol) partner had the first holiday we have had in 3 yrs, and came back to bills, bills and more bills! makes the holiday unworthy. It was a cheap caravan park deal in Gt. Yarmouth, Norfolk that I was skeptical over to start with. However was proven wrong after having a very restful and enjoyable time. But coming back with a cold and to bills took me straight back to the sofa where again I haven't left since saturday. Not only that but the cats needed defleaing!!!!! grrrrr! hamorraging money.

Carol flying a kite

However, the selfharm has calmed down for now despite my mobile phone being cut off due to a large bill, as our landline was cut off for 5 weeks due to a fault caused by water on the line and not sorted by BT quickly. I am hoping that once the back op. has been done I can start working with Carol on having a baby and ignoring my social workers advice, as she is an opinionated ________ please enter word here! x

Anyway I am off to do some sewing for the kids in my mums class, little stuffed owls. if i can get 30 finished soon! xxx love 2 u all xxx

second day of hell!

Well, here we are! finally posting again! however its a low post! i am fed up and feeling extremely poorly! The 'mental health' has got me again! I haven't felt this low in a long long time. how are you I ask? not bad - how are you? - your reply should have been longer, it would have distracted me from my reply!! LOL! Apart from being dosed up with morphine for a worsening backache and rattling every time I move, due to the pharmacy inside me that I take daily, and the head between my shoulders that wants to kill me, I would say that I'm not too bad! Unfortunately even that wouldn't be correct because my knees hurt, as does my neck and arm where there is a nice reddish pattern drawn there, artisticly I might say with a craft knife, mainly yesterday but the pattern has layers upon layers - years of layers - 16 years of layers!
Self harm - my friend and my enemy! it never lets me down - pls note the sarcasm in my voice! althou Im not actually talking - more typing! gosh - more sarcasm! think the sarcasm is trying 2 hide the anger! i feel so much anger at myself atm! i have been crying for the past few hours! i hate life! i hate how it knows how 2 kick you whilst your down!
i have had a bad back since 16th december 2010! alongside my mental health it cost me my job, my life, my freedom, the ability to walk unaided, have baths, shower alone, the social skills i was working on! OK i cant blame it all on my back but its made my life misery and few months back - 9 weeks i think 2 b exact - they decided to operate and it would b 6-12 weeks! last week i find out my surgeon is retiring and booked up til june19th and today i find out next availability will prob b in july and its not guarenteed i will b on those lists ! Then I find out my carer - who i was relying on to help me shower today is not coming cos she doesnt think she wil b able to help me appropriately cos the other carer got upset having to deal with my self harm yesterday! hence lower mood and hence more artistic patterns deeper into my arm!
i want to describe the feelings i get but its difficult! i feel like my heart is broken and i feel like ive been punched in the tummy til i cant breathe! i feel suicidal almost constantly and hurt inside out - i want someone 2 hold me - safely not sexually just protective! i hurt so badly!!! TIME OUT!!

cats, cats, cats

i just had to share the above picture with you as a friend sent it to me via facebook! Its totally me! Thank you Bev! Recently realising that there are people out there who like me and want to know me - I seem to push those people away. In fact I seem to push most people away! I seem to isolate myself but then am upset I have no friends - however i find people very difficult! I love cats - they are much easier to get along with than with people! morphine fuddled brain - i apologise and im off 4 a sleep! xxxx

here we go again!

i wanted to return to this piece of writing! i love it! I am exhausted at the moment! im trying not to fall asleep lol!

 

 

 

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

By Portia Nelson (thank you - whoever you are portia)

I

I walk, down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in

I am lost... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

it takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again

I don't believe I am in the same place but, it isnt my fault

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in... its a habit, my eyes are open

I know where I am

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it

V

I walk down another street.

I suppose we could all learn from this poem about how to move forward and learn from our experiences - where are you on this path? think about it! I don't know where I am but I suspect I am at II or III.

long time!

its been a while since the last post so i propose to catch up with u guys later - pls bear with me as working very hard 2wards a craft fair! will post later i promise with a long catch up post! just wanted u all 2 know im still alive n kicking - just! xxhugsxx

fingers crossed

Fingers crossed i may have my first piece of commission work! I would be over the moon if it comes 2gether! I placed an advert on a local fb page n i had a reply - hoping the woman rings me 2moro - have some good ideas! xxxYAYxxx

I have only taken one 5ml dose of morphine 2day althou i have been in agony I am sick of feeling so woozy all the time! i think its time 2 get my life sorted out! I cant do this way of living anymore! Its a daily struggle and I am sick of this dark cloud! I have no motivation and feel like people are constantly judging me! Even those I trust are making me mad bcos they are the only people I really talk to and therefore surrround myself with! there is only so many ways people can cheer u up! off 2 draw xxxx

woozy!!!!

Feeling a little woozy today and very sleepy as pain in my back has been bad last couple of days, and ive taken more morphine than usual! hence im now drinking plenty of energy drink! and I know this sounds weird but Carol just fed the cats and I am turned on by the smell of their food. Not sexually you must understand but thru my taste buds! its weird! but the cat food smells ssssooooooooooooooooooooo goood! however, Carol is gonna cook 2nite so the cat food wont be as nice as her food!! i hope!!! think she is cooking chicken and pasta! yum! unusual 4 carol to cook so looking 4ward to it!!!
Went out food shopping today and finally managed to buy a heat pack from ASDA. Been using it and its soooo amazing! so hoping to drop the morphine back down again! thank god! as I hate the wooziness!
Its taking me ages to write this blog and I have actually eaten said dinner! was amazing! n i was sooo suprised - that means Carol can coook more often now!!!

Bought 3 craft mags 2day with soooo many freebies in them! thats the money I earnt on my art work sold at Latton Cafe gone! however very much worth it, as got some lovely stamps and papers. and great ideas for new cards!

Lost the motivation to finish this post - will post again either later or 2moro! love 2 all! xxx

cold!!

Hey all! its sooo cold! my joints are aching. it snowed again yesterday! feels so cold and wintery! I can't wait for the summer. I met up with my social/support worker today at the cafe where I sell my art. I checked up on how it was selling. I have made £12.50 woohooo! am putting the money away so I can buy more art materials when they r needed! althou I always need more art materials! hehe!
Had therapy recently - plays with my head! head feels so damn full of stuff! makes me feel so emotional! and so lost! head is aching!
I can't wait for Carol to finish work as its her week off work and gonna spend some time together, as well as blitz the flat!
I know i havent written much but I havent been up to much! plus my head is a little sleepy! love 2 all xxxx

3rd patch

finished my 3rd patch for the quilt! they are getting harder but im still pleased with my stitching! what do u guys think???

had my morphine! no sleeping tablet 2nite! as gotta take carol to doctors in the morning! have nothing else to say 2night! xxxhugsxxx to all

thought for the day!

Everybody wants happiness
Nobody wants pain
But you can't have a rainbow
Without a little rain ♥

Arty stuff!

OK - last blog for now - I just wanted to share with all you arty types that my stuff is for sale at Latton Cafe, Latton Bush, Harlow! I would be honoured if people just checked it out on my facebook page www.facebook.com/LouisaArt or in person at the cafe! Just for me to display it is a big step and ok - I have only made £6 at the cafe and nothing online, its £6 more than i have ever made before as I usually give away my work. I spose thats confidence in my ability to create something that people actually want and will part with money for rather that just accept as a gift! Hopefully I can change that! But sometimes I think I can be too kindhearted - I hope that doesnt come across as bigheaded but Im trying to use this blog as somewhere I can be honest!

update on quilt - 2 squares finished! 3rd started tonight!

Piece of writing I stole from somewhere!

I want to encorporate this writing into a piece of art at some point so I thought I would share it with you anonymous readers out there on the big www! I dnt know who reads this if anyone but maybe this will show you my world - the blog I mean, not just the writing! I want to be honest and to use this blog as a healing tool - where I can learn from myself - and yes possibly others! anyway on with the writing!

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

By Portia Nelson (thank you - whoever you are portia)

I

I walk, down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in

I am lost... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

it takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again

I don't believe I am in the same place but, it isnt my fault

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in... its a habit, my eyes are open

I know where I am

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it

V

I walk down another street.

I suppose we could all learn from this poem about how to move forward and learn from our experiences - where are you on this path? think about it! I don't know where I am but I suspect I am at II or III.



Breaking Down

Ok - not blogged for a couple of days! had therapy! had lots happening this week - O and yes the case of the disappearing cats! Yesterday/today/ as in saturday 2 of my 4 cats went missing for 30hours! i have been distraught most of the day and spent alot of it crying. Poor Carol!!! she is my saviour and I do not know what I would do without her! So much entered our heads about what had happened to them as in Harlow its been very cold as of late, and today it started snowing! not just flurrying but full-blown snowing!

 Last time it snowed this bad was xmas 2010 - the year of our flood. I think that would call for a blog all of its own - Remind me to go back to that story! Of course we have been worried - and even Carol couldn't hide it from me. My mood of late has been low and the cats just missing - not 1 but 2 of them had me in hysterics and I spent most of the day searching/calling and in bed as I hadn't slept - AGAIN! Thank you to Lesley and Bev for an evening of distraction! However at midnight the 2 buggers turned up! Apologise for language but Carol went into the bedroom and found Guiness and Pepsi stuck under the bed - where they had been all day whilst we had been out in cold weather searching and designing missing posters (which thankfully I hadn't finished).It was the same bed where I been crying and wondering where on earth they could be! They hadn't miaowed once! or I hadn't heard them! Carol and I weren't sure whether to shout or cuddle them! - We cuddled them and fed them!

and treated all of them of course! They have been so full of beans all evening and I definately didn't let them out! They can play in the snow in the morning! - I have a wnderful picture of pawprints in snow which i must share with you as its one of my favs wen Pepsi and Guiness were babies and Kola was - well Kola!

I love this picture!

I think I need to learn how to deal with stress better! It seems that any stressful situation seems to have me at crisis point! This week has been very stressful and the morphine and other medication seems to be wearing me down emotionally, but then again so does the pain in my back and knees.

I just wish there was a magic wand out there which could make me feel whole and alive again.

much love xxx

Lou x

Current Mood

Currently I feel terrible and lack of sleep plays a big part of that. Have needed to speak to Lisa twice on the phoneline for support tonight. After 8 weeks without selfharm I gave in to 'temptation'. I use the word loosely as its a hard concept to grasp. I am writing this post at 6.10am without a wink of sleep and with painkillers on board, hence parts of it making little or no sense!
I have been struggling on and off recently with my depressive side of my personality, and more recently the pain I have been going thru; physically. Back pain must be one of the worst pain a body can go through. I have slipped a disc in my back and to this day I am still completely unsure on how I did it, although weight issues certainly don't help. Its hard to see a future when you live your life battling for not just sanity but physical control over pain. Most days I feel like screaming 'Why me?' and most days I probably do. I certainly make the girls on the helpline work hard!

Earlier this evening I finished a project I was working on. I painted a white on black and a Black on white pattern using acrylic paints. I love working in this style of painting althou' using a pen with ink is much more intricate which I pefer!

Welcome to the family

The four cats on my bed - top of picture is Bailey our newest addition to the family. He is approximately 11 years old and black and white. He was a rescue from a friend who had picked him up from the RSPCA as he was due to be put to sleep. He has one tooth and other medical problems. He is my soulmate and we go everywhere together! he follows me around the flat and his fav place to sleep is on my chest.
Bottom left is Kola. She is 3 and was Carol and my first cat together. She is a Queen! she likes to think she is in charge - which she probably is! she is all black and female obviously by the use of the word she - and she is our only female! she is snooty but when she wants to give you attention then its soooo worth it and you feel very special! she hates me but thats probably bcos she isnt used to being around them! She is Carols little girl!
The cat next to Kola is Pepsi and the last one on the right is Guiness and they are brothers. We got them at 4 weeks old. Guiness is black and white and Pepsi is all black. Just as they are different in colour they are different in temperment. Guiness miaows and wants attention permenantly - and is an utter pig and Pepsi is quiet and waits for you to pat the sofa next to you to have a stroke. Both are adorable and are now a year and a half old. They were orphaned at a week old and rely on each other for so much. Guiness always looks out for Peps and Peps is constantly cleaning Guin.
Sorry about the state of the bed but this is the first ever photo of all 4 together as Bailey isnt used to other cats yet.

What a bad day!

What a bad day! first i took my medication too late last night and spent the morning sleeping! had to get up as agreed to pick my partner - Carol up from work and take her and her work friend to Chelmsford! What a nightmare - I never plan my journey as I call Carol my 'Sat Nav' - she has lost that title! We got lost and after lots of rights and lefts and guessing, we stopped and asked a 'random' and eventually found our way there.
We also found our way back to Harlow - how? I will never know! but I'm sure it had something to do with the fact I ignored Carol and drove my way! LOL! Picked up Carols dad - and I always forget to get some earplugs when having him sit next to me in the front of the car. He can't help being deaf but he forgets his hearing aids on nearly every occasion.
Shopping over - ASDA as getting clever - everything is a pound and has anyone else noticed that you think 'its only another pound' then you get to the till and the shopping turns into 60(only a) pound!!!
Home. Grumpy. Arguement with Carol. Why am I always wrong!? is it because I have a mental health issue or is it because I have such poor regard for myself? Or am I always wrong? Answers below please! LOL! I love Carol and anything I say on here is me venting so please don't get the wrong idea about her - she is a wonderful person who cares for me in both my mental and physical state and loves me despite these issues! Poor Cow! LOL!!!
It leads me to worrying about why I always feel like I am in the wrong - whoever I argue or come up against! I don't have a great view of myself and I hope through my therapy that i can start to readdress my confidence issues! I think I have started because I would never have tried to sell my art if I wasn't a little confident about it! i must share some artwork with this blog from time to time!
My evening has started - as per usual with Carol in bed playing games and usually on here - however on this occasion i have stolen the Laptop! I feel the need to put a large MWWHHAAAHHAHAHA in here! I have been trying to sew square 2 and 3 for my 'Art of Quilting' Quilt. Im a sloppy sewer but trying to learn new skills by handstitching a quilt using a magazine outline! Its started is all I can say!

 I am sitting with my soulmate - Bailey beside me! I must comment that Bailey is a cat - a new  addition to our family and the oldest of the four cats we now own/look after/dictated to by. I digress. I sit with a 10ml syringe of the NHS best oral morphine in front of me, tempting me with the feeling of painlessness, and my artwork. On one hand I could take tonights morphine and then sew or sew then take the morphine. I spose it depends on how well I want the quilt to turn out.
Photos to follow - then you will have your answers on what came first! the morphine or the sewing! Night all x

The Start (Found Version)

Ok - my first ever post on my blog - how strange does this feel? Where do I start? from the beginning? from birth? or from now in this fragile state that I find myself in? I feel by going backwards I will lose the mystery from the future! so I will give you the basics and then start from today!
I was diagnosed last year with Emotionally unstable personality disorder - borderline type! what a horrible label! Those of you that havent heard of it - its a mental health condition where past traumas affect a persons personality and they are stuck emotionally in the past - research if u need further info! I self harm, I have overdosed and I have suffered but I want to find a way of expressing that emotion in different - more safe ways. I want to find a way to live and not just exist. I want to express myself thru' words and my art and hope that other people understand and respond. I want to inspire people who may feel like me and connect with the world around me! I have suffered for year with mental health and its time to find a way thru'. Its time for me to stand up and shout I am worthy!! and I deserve to LIVE!!!