second day of hell!

Well, here we are! finally posting again! however its a low post! i am fed up and feeling extremely poorly! The 'mental health' has got me again! I haven't felt this low in a long long time. how are you I ask? not bad - how are you? - your reply should have been longer, it would have distracted me from my reply!! LOL! Apart from being dosed up with morphine for a worsening backache and rattling every time I move, due to the pharmacy inside me that I take daily, and the head between my shoulders that wants to kill me, I would say that I'm not too bad! Unfortunately even that wouldn't be correct because my knees hurt, as does my neck and arm where there is a nice reddish pattern drawn there, artisticly I might say with a craft knife, mainly yesterday but the pattern has layers upon layers - years of layers - 16 years of layers!
Self harm - my friend and my enemy! it never lets me down - pls note the sarcasm in my voice! althou Im not actually talking - more typing! gosh - more sarcasm! think the sarcasm is trying 2 hide the anger! i feel so much anger at myself atm! i have been crying for the past few hours! i hate life! i hate how it knows how 2 kick you whilst your down!
i have had a bad back since 16th december 2010! alongside my mental health it cost me my job, my life, my freedom, the ability to walk unaided, have baths, shower alone, the social skills i was working on! OK i cant blame it all on my back but its made my life misery and few months back - 9 weeks i think 2 b exact - they decided to operate and it would b 6-12 weeks! last week i find out my surgeon is retiring and booked up til june19th and today i find out next availability will prob b in july and its not guarenteed i will b on those lists ! Then I find out my carer - who i was relying on to help me shower today is not coming cos she doesnt think she wil b able to help me appropriately cos the other carer got upset having to deal with my self harm yesterday! hence lower mood and hence more artistic patterns deeper into my arm!
i want to describe the feelings i get but its difficult! i feel like my heart is broken and i feel like ive been punched in the tummy til i cant breathe! i feel suicidal almost constantly and hurt inside out - i want someone 2 hold me - safely not sexually just protective! i hurt so badly!!! TIME OUT!!

cats, cats, cats

i just had to share the above picture with you as a friend sent it to me via facebook! Its totally me! Thank you Bev! Recently realising that there are people out there who like me and want to know me - I seem to push those people away. In fact I seem to push most people away! I seem to isolate myself but then am upset I have no friends - however i find people very difficult! I love cats - they are much easier to get along with than with people! morphine fuddled brain - i apologise and im off 4 a sleep! xxxx

here we go again!

i wanted to return to this piece of writing! i love it! I am exhausted at the moment! im trying not to fall asleep lol!

 

 

 

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

By Portia Nelson (thank you - whoever you are portia)

I

I walk, down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in

I am lost... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

it takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again

I don't believe I am in the same place but, it isnt my fault

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in... its a habit, my eyes are open

I know where I am

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it

V

I walk down another street.

I suppose we could all learn from this poem about how to move forward and learn from our experiences - where are you on this path? think about it! I don't know where I am but I suspect I am at II or III.